Bye, Bye Turkey, Bye-Bye (or Helloooo Christmas)

Sweet potato casserole without marshmallows? That's as bad a pole stripper in my grandma's night robe.

Thanksgiving is meant to be larger than life, excessive and over-the-edge. A turkey gave its all for our feast and by God, it will be the best it can be. Pumpkin pie must be on the menu. It is Thanksgivings counter attack against Halloween. It is the fattening of Thanksgiving that gives Santa his "a bowlful of jelly" look.

Without Thanksgiving football would be just another obscure sport like soccer. After tearing apart a turkey, Americans want to see real men cracking skulls and breaking bones. Leather helmets and flying wings were what made Thanksgiving great not a pansy "happy holidays." "Merry F'ing Christmas you F'ing pagans!" is the battle cry of red, white and blue blooded Americans.

We nailed a guy to a cross to create the greatest retail sales day in the history of mankind, Black Friday. Spend man, spend, before the fools on the Hill tax it away from you. What is gold or earthly wealth compared to the sparkle in the eye of a small child? A world of lead-painted, choke-hazard toys await.

This Friday while we clear the retail store shelves with stolen credit cards, burgle our neighbors houses while they are out shopping and trade counterfeit food stamps for cheap wine, let's take a moment to give thanks to all the suckers who make our lifestyle possible. Without taxpayers, Congress would have to work for a living.

With the Thanksgiving leftovers rotting in the refrigerator, it is time to put up the Christmas decorations (or at least add some additions to the last year's decorations you didn't take down.) The is a wonderful opportunity to read this year's batch of new warning labels. "Do not use this ladder to serve salad." "Do not insert Christmas bulbs in mouth." "Christmas tree may make stand unstable." "Help! I'm being held prisoner in a Hallmark Christmas card factory."

You also get to test out your health care insurance when the irresistible force of a hammer meets the immobile object of your thumb. Or you learn the warning label, "this is not a step," on the top of the ladder really meant it. Or learning being a human extension cord between two strings of Christmas lights is a real heart stopper.

As the taillights of your ambulance fad into the late November fog, think of all the Christmas presents you hospital bill will buy the children of the hospital staff.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year,